Saturday, March 31, 2012


My hopes for April:
I hope I get GREAT news from my doctor about my back.
I hope that I am able to take care of my baby by myself!
I hope that I can actually get out and move around more even though I don't want to in this embarrassing cast.
I hope that I can drive my vehicle, bought my Tahoe, I was able to enjoy it for a whole day before the accident.
I hope that I can really plan for my summer wedding, my back is throwing everything off. grrr

I hope that I can actually somewhat be myself again.
I tired of this sitting here all the time, doing absolutely nothing.
I have so much I am wanting to do around the house and the yard, that is driving me crazy.
Lets just keep our fingers crossed for good news from the doctor.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Life lately according to my iPhone

I have so much love for this little girl, it seriously makes my heart feel as if it's going to burst.
She is so full of life, love and happiness.

Monday, March 19, 2012

6 months

My sweet darling Bliss,
I am mother to a 6 month old? 
Where has the time gone, seriously it just seems like yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital and your were are tiny little baby. 
There are no words that express the love I have for you and how it grows and grows each and every passing day. I could cry on a daily basis serioulsy. I am not going to lie, I tear up most days.
I think you look more and more like your daddy every day, Daddy says you look just like me but everyone agrees with me. I tell Daddy that you're his minnie me. 
Your smile is endless.
I thought you hair was going to be the same color as Aunt Karah's but it has surprised me and is the same exact color as your Daddy's beautiful dirty blonde. I absolutely love it! 
I think about everyone in the family fight about the color of your eyes, I say they are green/gray with blue ring around them. Daddy says they are brown one day and the next they will be gray. I guess we will have to wait a little longer to really find out. They will be beautiful and unique either way.
Still no teeth, but you are chewing on EVERYTHING! You have really come to love knee's, you will be sitting in someone's lap and bend straight over feet in front of you and start chewing on their knee, it is the funniest thing.
You have changed so much this last month. 
You are officially sitting up, you go girl. 

You are scooting around like a mad women, I think you would be crawling if you would figure out to move your hands and arms.
You defiantly know what is happening around you, you are so happy and talk up a storm. You are a love bug and a cuddlier. I absolutely love it and so does daddy.
You LOVE to eat. (Just like daddy.) I was afraid we were over feeding you because you will eat 2 containers of baby food maybe 3 and a 9 oz. bottle of milk 3 times a day, that not counting you snacks, but the Doctor said that its fine you have a big appetite and a fast metabolism. 
You love being outside, laying down watching the clouds go by, birds fly by, puppies playing in the yard and daddy working on the vehicles. You talk the whole time we are outside.
You are sleeping thru the night like a champ. GO BABY!
You love car rides, you will throw a fit if the car stops moving.
Anytime, we go anywhere we are stopped by everyone telling us how beautiful and sweet you are. It makes my day to hear that. 
You went to the doctor this month a you weighted 15.4 pounds, I was shocked I was expecting to see 18 pounds, you were 26 3/4 in. long. You are growing beautiful my dear & we couldn't be happier about it.
When I was in the hospital you hit a some serious milestones my dear. You are hands on with everything, You study everything around you now, You want to stand up and walk around with help of course, and you love to talk and scream. I love it all, but my most favorite of all is you are reaching for people now!!! 
You still love music.
You have really came into your personality, you are so incredibly happy and full of life. It makes me so happy to see you so happy. You love to play with all your toys, listen to music, and look at your books. 
My darling B, I have so many hopes and dreams for you, I could give myself a headache to sit here and type it all up for you but my biggest hope for you is to just grow up healthy and enjoy life. Do everything you little heart wants to do, and momma and daddy will be right behind you cheering for you all the way.
This last month has been the hardest on me, cause of momma breaking her back. I'm unable to pick you up and carry you around and love on you and it kills me. You have no idea! It kills me to see you cry and me not be able to pick you up and take care of you. It kills me when you are talking to me and reaching up to me cause you want me to pick you up and I can't, hopefully it is just for a short period of time and not permeant because that wouldn't work for me. I want nothing more but to be able to hold you all day long. 
Daddy and I love you so much baby girl, you have changed our life so much in such a little time and we couldn't be happier, keep growing and being healthy my little love. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012


I don't remember waking up or really or anything on Monday right after the surgery, Jerry says I was pretty much out of it.
I was in surgery for a little over four hours.
That night I was finally coming to and all I knew was I was in some Horrible pain. Horrible really doesn't do it justice. I was on Morphine, it helped but not completely. I just laid there thinking, what the heck am I going to do? I am in so much pain, I just want to sit here and cry, I wanted to cry even more because I knew right then in that moment that my doctor wasn't playing about me not being able to take care of my baby or myself. I tried to hold together for Jerry and my families sake, but I knew at some point that I was going to break.
Monday night I slept like crap, between being in agonizing pain, nurses coming in and checking on me every hour and all the noise,  it pretty much impossible.
Tuesday morning came like Jerry and I really never went to sleep. The nurse came in and said that they were going to change my bandages and see how everything looked. Let just say I was in utter shock when I tried to really move, I know this sounds crazy but I hadn't tried to move in till they came in to turn me over and look at my back. Yes, I had moved my arms and legs but not a lot. well, when i tried to move I seriously couldn't, they told me that I was going to have to log roll, so I put one leg over the other and they pushed me. When I laid in bed my back felt strange but when I was on my side its was awful. My back felt like a limp noodle with something heavy pulling it down in the middle. It was completely disgusting. I freaked out, not only cause of the pain or the way my back but the serial feeling of being completely helpless. Jerry tried reassuring me that it was ok and that he would take care of me, that it was his turn because I had been taking care of him for the past 6 years. It sadly didn't make me feel any better, the nurses told me that you will be back to normal in know time, Just eat and rest. I had lost a lot of weight, and had no appetite to eat, but everyone kept forcing me to try to eat something but every time I thought about eating made me feel sick to my stomach. When the nurses left the room my mawmaw brought Bliss in to us, it was the first time I remember seeing my baby since the surgery, it felt like I hadn't seen her in weeks. She automatically made me feel so much better, just seeing her sweet loving face reassured me that I had to get thru this for her sake.
That Tuesday just happened to be Valentine's day, I know horrible way to spend our Valentine's day together and sadly I didn't have time to get Jerry's present I was going to get it the day before Valentine's day while he was at work, but then we got into the wreck and I wasn't able to. We were alone with Bliss and Jerry was like baby, I got you something, I know you won't like but we can change it for you. I was like okay, then he looked at me and was like I have been planning on doing this for the last couple of months and I still want to do this but it sucks that you are in the hospital. Then he handed me a little box, I was like babe what is this? He said open it babe, I opened it and it was a ring. I'm not going to lie, I was shocked! I said what is this for? He said baby will you marry? I know its horrible to ask you this while your in the hospital bed. I just sat there in shock and looked at him and said of course, it doesn't matter that I am in a hospital bed I'm just happy you asked me. He just smiled and gave me and Bliss a kiss and then said Bliss is going to make a beautiful flower girl. I smiled and said yes she will!
Later on that after there was a knock on the door and my nurse came in and told me that the company that was going to make my cast for me to wear for at least 6 weeks was here to measure me. So I said ok, they came in and measured me, told me that I should have my cast tomorrow if all goes as planned.
 Tuesday night I slept know better than monday night, so I cried, tossed and turned most of the night.
Wednesday, I awoke to my doctor telling me to roll over where he could look at my back, so Jerry got up and rolled me over. After the doctor tortured me, he said its all looking good and that the tube would have to come out before I put my cast on when its gets here today. Apparently they had already called and asked the Doctor and nurses to get me ready cause they would be there around noon. They left them room and I turned to Jerry and was like I have a tube in my back? He looked at me all sad and told me that he didn't want to tell me because it would freak you out. My mawmaw brought Bliss to see me and my mom and mawmaw Glenda was visiting when my nurse came in and told me that, they had to come and take the tube out and change my bandages. Jerry helped roll me over and stood where I could see him and hold his hand. They took the bandages off and that was so painful, my back would spasm every time they pulled a bandage off, I was crying my eyes out! I was relieved when they finally said ok thats all the bandages, then my nurse said now its time for the tube.  My stomach dropped, my nurse warned me that it was going to hurt and take a deep breathe, Jerry said come on baby squeeze my hand baby. I squeeze his hand, took a deep breathe and the nurse started to pull and all I could do was scream stop!! It was so incredibly painful I couldn't breathe. She stopped and I just cried everyone in the room was trying to make me feel better but it just wasn't working, there was a knock on the door and another one of my nurses came in and said that the company with my cast was waiting to bring it in and make sure it fits, so my nurse said sorry sweetie we are going to have to pull it out now. I squeezed Jerry's hand while he was rubbing my head, I took a deep breathe and she pulled it out. I screamed and cried my eyes out. After I calmed down they sent the company in with my cast, they put it on and told me that I probably couldn't breathe real well and I would have prefect posture before this was all done. They showed Jerry and I how to put it on properly and left us. I sat there in the cast for a little just trying to collect my thoughts, Jerry came over to me telling me how beautiful I was and that he loved me so much. Then he sat Bliss on me and she looked at me like I was crazy. It made me laugh cause she was trying to figure out what was on me, she just sat there slapping my cast then looking up at me for the longest time.
Once again there was a knock at the door, it was my therapist. Well, one of them at least. she came to get me out of bed and walk to the bathroom for the first time. Just sitting up was the hardest thing. Just sitting up made me incredibly dizzy and nauseated. I gave myself a minute to recollect myself and they helped me to my feet. I stood up and I felt as if I was going to faint. I took a deep breathe and started walking, they told me that we were only going to walk to the bathroom, so I walk to the bathroom and my OT therapist showed my how I was going to use the bathroom, wash my hands, brush my teeth now. It wasn't easy, by the time she got done showing me how to do everything, I was about to start screaming and crying because of the pain, I was in. They then made me sit up in a chair that they brought in, just sitting up was so painful, I just started crying and told them I couldn't take it anymore and I was in to much pain and that I was on the verge of screaming. They said ok, and let me lay back down in bed, my therapist said that they would be back tomorrow. They left and I just sat there and cried, I was in so much pain, the pain medicine wasn't do anything, I was miserable. I felt as if I was going crazy because I was of the pain but I was steadily moving because I was trying to get comfortable but I couldn't, everyone tried to help me but nothing helped. They were giving me two pills my pain pill every four hours, and my back spasm pill every eight hours. The pain was awful but the spasms where even more awful, my whole body would shake uncontrollably and back jerk and yank, the pain in indescribable. On, wednesday they also stop giving me the morphine thru the i.v. and that was the only thing that seemed to help any of it. the pain, spasm and let me be some what control of myself as crazy as it sounds. That night was beyond the worst, I seriously didn't get any sleep. I would call for my nurse every hour in tears telling her how much pain I was in and she would tell me that I would have to wait till it was time to take you of my pills again, eventually I guess she realized how much pain I was in, because at a little before 3:00 a.m. she came in with a syringe of morphine to give me. Let's just say that helped so incredibly much I finally went to sleep.
Thursday morning I was woken up at 6:00 a.m. by my doctor wanting to look at my back again and look at my cast. He then told me that he has order to for me to get X-rays today. He then left and I was exhausted from the lack of sleep I hadn't been getting and didn't want to be awake to just lay there in pain so my nurse gave me my pills and I passed back out. My baby came in at about 8:00 so I got up to see her sweet little face and spend time with her, she left by lunch time and my OT came back to get me out of bed to do the same stuff I did, the day before but surprisingly it was easier. It was still painful but I could control myself better. After that my physical therapist came in and I asked her If I could try to walk down the hall today, she was shocked but told me if I felt like I could do it, Yes. I walked the width of the Hall to the far end back to my room, I then asked her if I could walk the whole floor. She was nervous but told me I could but if I got over whelmed, that she would get me a wheel chair. Jerry was so happy that I was walking so good and so much that he recorded me where he could send it to my family. I made it around the whole floor and when I got back I was so happy I was in so much and exhausted, but I was so happy that I walked that much that I ignored the pain. My doctor came back by and told me how happy he was to see me moving around like that already and that if all goes well tonight I could leave the next day! I was ecstatic! I was so ready for my life to go back to being some what normal!
Shortly after the Doctor left my nurse came to wheel me down to get X-rays. I sat in the uncomfortable wheel chair for a little while waiting my turn, all the while on the inside I was screaming because the position I was sitting in was making my back spasm and there for I was in insane pain, finally it was my turn, they told me that I was going to have stand up for a little while without anything. I stopped and looked at her in shock, I told her I haven't stood up without holding anything, I had my walker that helped me stand up from sitting position and walking around. So, they had me reach above my head and hold on to the X-ray machine. I stood there for a little while in till I felt so sick and dizzy that I thought I was about to pass out. Finally, the nurse came and said that I could sit down and wait for a nurse to come get me.
Everything was going smooth so I was looking forward to going home the next day.
Friday, the day we get to go home. I was so happy, we were just waiting for the nurse to come in and get me to sign my release papers and we were free!! Free to go home and just be in our house with our baby. It sounded to nice to be true, the nurse came in I signed my life away and they wheeled me out of the hospital. I was so happy just to see my vehicle pull up and take me away from all this headache and heartache; I was ready to get home and heal, where I could take care of my baby.
My doctor made it very clear to not pick anything up over 5 lbs. twisting, or get my back wet in till, I go get my stitches out when I see him in two weeks.
Two weeks went by and I went to my doctors appointment, hoping for good news. That didn't happen, They took knew X-rays and we learned that my back isn't healing and is collapsing. My doctor said with me being so young and healthy my two minor breaks should have already been healed or at least almost, they hadn't even started to. My middle break which was the worst so they had to put rods and bolts had collapsed 25% and my third break that was underneath my worst break had collapsed 50%. He said that if my middle break which is the worst collapsed to 50% that he would have to do an emergency surgery, and that I was to be on strict bed rest cause my third break that had already collapsed 50% could pinch a nerve and paralyze me.  So, I had to wear the cast for at least another Six weeks.
I was about in tears, Jerry and I had set the date for our wedding for this summer. I told my doctor our date and asked if it would be possible to still have it, he said not likely. tears started coming and he said well, maybe if you lay around like your supposed to you will be able to take it off long enough to try dresses on and then wear it in till your wedding day. I told him ok and we said our good byes.
When we walked out of the doctors office I just started crying, I tried to pull it together just long enough to get to the car to call Jerry and then I really cried. Jerry said we could do it and make it through it. I was devastated. I just wanted to be better, where I didn't have to see people day in and day out take care of my baby, clean my house and I just lay there and watch them. It was annoying and frustrating to say the least.  

So here I am still laying around hoping and praying my back is healing, where I can take care of my baby again and get married this summer.