Thursday, March 8, 2012

Life changing.

I got to come home on February 17th from the hospital, after being there for a week.
I know everyone doesn't know what happened so I am going to tell you.
Saturday, February 11th Jerry & I decided we were going to take our Rzr out to gator run, a local four wheeler park. My mom offered to watch bliss 2 weeks prior and I kept telling I didn't know. We went to lunch with her and she asked why don't y'all just go? Y'all need a break. At the same time one of Jerry's friend had called asking if we were going to come out so we finally gave in and went.
We went home loaded the Rzr put on tons of clothes because it was freezing and headed out.
We arrived out there and I called checking on bliss for the third time since we left her and sat for a little while talked with our friends.
We started to go ride, Johnny and Jerry were playing around, jerry gasses past them and then nothing.
I woke up in the hospital not knowing what was going on. I had already been there for two hours plus the almost hour ride to the hospital.
They told me I was in shock and that I had been awake and talking the whole time, They told me that I had been repeating myself every 2 minutes.
I would ask:
Where am I?
What happened??
Wheres bliss?
Where Jerry? Then I would see that Jerry was bleeding and freak out.
Same thing every two minutes for almost 2 hours.
I remember a lot of cat scans, MRI's and X-rays.
I remember family kissing me telling me they loved me and everything was going to be ok.
I remember seeing my friend Karen look like she was just going to start crying.
I remember Jerry. My poor beautiful Jerry, looking so broken sad and lost. I was just waiting for him to start crying but then I wasn't because I was ready to go off the edge and him just being there with me was keeping centered.
Finally after waiting in an ugly little ER room that seemed like forever the doctor came.
Jerry, My daddy, Pawpaw and I don't even know who else was in there but told me my back was broken in three places and that I was I going to need surgery to put a rod and bolts in my back and there was a chance I could be paralyzed.
That's was the breaking point.
Jerry just turned around and started crying. My dad embraced him and told him its going to be ok. My pawpaw hugged me crying, telling me I was strong that this was nothing to me.
So the three man in my life, that means the world to me, are all sitting around me crying.
So my doctor starts asking me questions and then tells me I want be able to pick up my baby for 2 months so then I start bawling like a baby.
I told him know I couldn't do that, he told me that he's sorry and that I wouldn't be able to care for her cause I wasn't even going to be able to take care of myself for awhile.
I just sat there in a daze not knowing what to do or think. I was scared, sad and mad! How can this man tell me I wouldn't be able to take care of my child? Had he lost his mind? She's my baby!!! MINE!!
My doctor then excused himself from the room saying he was going to watch some videos of my procedure to get some practice cause he has never preformed it on some so young. Wow, that made me feel loads better. He said see you tomorrow probably at 11:00 for your surgery.
My Doctor left and Jerry just laid on me and cried. I rubbed his poor beautiful head that had staples in it from hitting it on the roll cage of the Rzr. He sat there saying how sorry he was, over and over again. I told him to stop there wasn't anything to be sorry for. He said yes there is, I did this to you. This is all my fault. Him saying that mad me hurt so bad, I can't even explain it but it was awful. I grabbed his face and brought it mine and I said NO! You didn't do this to me, it was an accident! That didn't make him feel any better, I asked my friend Johnny, Karen's husband to take him to get something to eat and try to make him feel better. They left and when he came back he brought me a huge teddy bear that says I love you. It was so sweet.
The rest of the day was pretty fuzzy because the pain medication I was on, but friends and family flooded in to see us, it was so nice. I felt awful because I couldn't even hold my eyes open but Jerry kept reassuring that it was ok and they understand.
Sunday came, we waited and finally the Doctor came In and talked to me and my family one more time explaining what he was going to do in the procedure, he said the he had an older lady before me and then it would be my turn. I wasn't thrilled at all.
My Daddy and stepmom maranda brought bliss to come see me and I broke down.
My beautiful smiling baby is in front of me and I could bearly touch her, how is that fair? Jerry held her out in front me and we just looked each other, I couldn't take it anymore so I made him let me hold her. I guess she new i was in pain, because she didn't even fight me holding her like baby and trust me she hates to be held like a baby.
I was seriously drugged up the whole week thru February 11th thru 16th and truthfully only remember bits and pieces of what happened.
The day of surgery.
A lot of friends and family came the night before and day of the surgery, I don't fully remember it but I really appreciate not only for myself but for Jerry. He didn't need to be alone, he need a support team and boy did he get it. I just want to Thank of all my friends and family that came to see me, y'all will never know how much it meant and stills means to me right now.
Well, the day had finally came a lot of my family and friends where there visiting and waiting for me to go back. They came and told me they have to take me to get another CAT scan and MRI done, so they painfully moved me from one bed to another and rolled me that seems like hours, it was the most painfully ride because the bumps oh my goodness at the bumps but of course my sweet Jerry was by my side all the way, reassuring my that everything is going to be alright. He always knows the right thing to say to make me feel so much better. We finally get there and of course I get sick, which is horrible because I have to lean up and turn and it was pretty much impossible without Jerry cause I couldn't even lift my own body because my back was suppose to support me but of course it couldn't. I finished being sick and then they moved me once again to another bed so that I could be put in the MRI machine. They put me in and asked me to be really still and that it was going to take a little while, well they weren't lying about it was going to take awhile, I finally passed out and I remember the machine getting really loud waking me up and I jumped and it hurts so bad, finally 2 hours later and I hear your done. They took me back to room,I remember all of my close family being there, and some friends. I was in my room that seemed like a couple of minutes and a couple of nurses came in and said that its time to take you back to surgery and who's coming with you only two people can come. I had told Jerry that I only wanted him to come back there where we could talk before i went under.
It had finally came, the day of the surgery the thing I had been dreading the most. They started to wheel me out the room, Jerry at my side holding my hand. We get to the waiting room where all my friends and family were now waiting to say goodbyes and I love you. I remember them handing Bliss to me, where I could tell her I love her and give her kisses, I remember looking over and seeing my friend Karen turn around because she was about to cry. I remember everyone about in tears. I can't remember if I cried after that, I can't remember anything. I do remember my daddy coming down with Jerry and I and him looking like he was going to break down and cry at any given moment. We get to a room where the nurses are waiting for me, They ask me to sign some papers and then they start putting me under. My daddy comes to my side and tells me that he knows how strong I am and that he knows that I will get thru this and be back to normal in know time and that he loves me so much. Then, my Jerry, my sweet beautiful Jerry came to me and gave me a kiss and tells me he loves me and that he will be waiting for me to come out. I told him, I loved him and that if anything happened to me to please tell Bliss how much I loved her. He told me not to talk like that cause I was going to fine. I held his hand for a little while and then just faded off.

*to be continued.

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